Angel standing By

I think about you from time to time. I wonder how you are. Wonder if life has done you well. Ponder on where your traveling heart led you. Our memories fill my mind some days… Memories of me living for you, glimpses of the endless chasing, chasing that hope you’d see me the way I seen you. Thoughts of me running blindly on our so called love. Moments remembering me Floating on a wish, a wish for you… That wish floated away just like our so called love…

I stood by and watched, years I watched… Watched you throw your life away. Watched you hurt yourself. Watched you hurt those who cared the most for you. I watched me lose myself. I just stood there watching… Stunned and mostly Silent… just watching.

I remember how I didn’t really fit in your circle, yet you kept me close. I stood there time after time while you’d say

I’ll be back. Please just wait for me Angel.

You know I love you… Just wait… Just wait

You always called me Angel… Making me feel I had to save you like an angel would. You always said I loved you too much and cared for you too much. I couldn’t see I was just your muse…

I gave you my heart knowing you didn’t deserve it. I gave you pieces of me… Pieces I should have held on to. You held me tight for a while. For a while you made me think I was yours and yours alone.

I see those nights I fought for you. They flash through my mind… Many nights I talked you off the ledge. Feeling I had saved you… Only for you to run again… I only wanted the best for you. I lost myself worrying about you. I was blinded by your scars. Hindered by your addictions. I really longed to fix you. I wanted to save you. I wanted to be that angel you kept telling me I was… I prayed so hard…

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Then I jumped off that derailing train wreck. Hating myself. Feeling I had failed you. This angel couldn’t save you. I hated jumping, hated walking away even more. I still remember turning back. I remember your deep dark eye’s filled with tears… You knew I was going. You knew I was done. I just wanted to run back to you… Instead I turned and walked away breaking every step…

Just in case your wondering about your angel, I found myself again, I hurt from time to time but I did find someone to heal all my cracks, just so you know he let’s me love him much as I want, he gave me that family I dreamed of. One girl one boy. They have become my world…

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….For a while I was your angel standing by. Watching and waiting. Trying to be there every step of the way to break your fall. In the end I had to give you your wings and let you fly. Be free, wild spirit… Fly sweet fella, fly. I pray your happy. I pray your living…

I’ve grown tired of standing, so here I sit, still wondering about you…  no longer your angel, just Audrey💕

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