I’ve been shattered… Broken… Busted wide open but know this I’m forgiven.
I’m working on how to put myself back together. I’m learning how to cope. I have scars deep scars. I’m an open book because of what I’ve been through.
I want to share my story, my testimony.
My whole life has been an up hill run. I was always running. Running from pain, running from lies, running to keep up.
At times I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I just wanted love. I looked for love in all the wrong places. People can’t give you the love I needed.
I tried to OD in my teens, I wanted to take away the pain. I needed a break. A break from my all up hill run, that was called my life.
This decision brought more pain. It was at this point I seen I had no one. I can’t really describe the looks from family members and friends that I got… but they are burned in my brain. The I don’t understand you look, the I can’t help you look, the I don’t care look. The this is too much for me look, The she just wants attention look.
I became a dark cloud with a fake smile after this… I felt like I was still running after something, really chasing for this ideal love and acceptance I wanted so bad. I made bad decisions after bad decisions. I never got close to anyone after this. I hurt people and myself over and over. I was told many times my enter demons needed to be buried deep inside… move on grow up.
So easy right?
Well it’s not, when your beaten by the hands of someone who claims to love you, when your raped, when your choaked till you can breath and past out only to wake up and it be done again, when your slamed against the floor over and over, when a loaded gun is held on you… those are things you don’t ever get over. You don’t just move on from that. That scars you. Damages you. Shatters you to your core.
These things wake me from a dead sleep… these things have caused physical problems, they weigh me down to the point where I just want to sleep and not wake up… it’s a daily struggle.
It’s called many things: depression, ptsd… crazy.
I just call it pain… a deep pain. I have found all pain heals in time. When I found that Forgiving Love I was talking about I’ve started to heal.
I’ve learned that I only need God. I don’t need acceptance from anyone but Him.
1)Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. 2)In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. 3)And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also. 4)And whither I go ye know, and the way ye know.
5)Thomas saith unto him, Lord, we know not whither thou goest; and how can we know the way? 6)Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.
This and this alone makes me fall to my knees and cry out to Him. He doesn’t judge and I do feel relief. I trust Him with my life.
I’ve open up to many other’s but learned the hard way few care most are just curious. God cares. I do feel I’m a survivor because of His grace and mercy.
My story to be honest isn’t unusual and mild compared to some. It’s a sad reality. Too many go on thinking their all alone. Not hearing about our Loving God. He is who pulled me through.
Talk about your struggles, talk about your mistakes don’t bottle them up inside.
Through the darkness you can see the stars shining… Shine like those stars! Love yourself God wants you to live and be happy! It’s taken me a long long while to see this. Count your blessings know when your broken and don’t be scared to ask for help.
If someone comes to you with sadness and hurt… just listen be a shoulder. Pray about it. Just please remember this, just because you can’t see the depression doesn’t mean it isn’t real. Show love, always.
Myra Audrey Marie
Beautiful Heartbreak – Hilary Weeks – Every Step