Blogging Block

Everyday I’ve been putting my heart, my thoughts and my life on my blog. Some days the blog comes easy… other days I have bloggers block. In light of what others may think blogging is hard. When I first started blogging over a year ago I had so many things I wanted to get out so I could start to heal and move forward now here I sit and I’m happy, my mind clear and my vocie growing more silence.

This past week I have been spending all my free time with my husband and kids. My mind at ease and nothing to type. Our days have been spent sleeping in, staying up late watching movies, hanging with close friends, swimming in the pool, laying out and watching the evening thunderstorms. Normal everyday stuff… I actually enjoy these times but I’m sure they are boring to read about…

T. A. K. E. (Tony Audrey Kaylyn Ethan) my life my purpose, we may not have it all but together we have something pretty beautiful.

You have to fight through some hard days to earn the Best days of your life…  I know the best is yet to come


She’s the girl

She’s the girl….

The girl who has a few best friends and will not choose between them. The girl who knows how to laugh at herself first. The girl who expects way too much but no more than she is prepared to give. The girl who is learning to not care what anyone else’s thinks about her. The girl who is nice to everyone she meets. She’s the girl who will always say sorry when she is in the wrong. She’s the girl that will put all her trust into you until you give her a reason not too. She’s the girl who will never leave your side when you need her. She’s the girl that will go out of her way to cheer those around her up. She’s the girl who will never give up on you… the one that truly believes in loving one man forever.


The Girl

To know her is to love her,

Celiac Disease FYI

So my page 15 will be a rant… So Run if you must… Or actually read this and help me educate others about my disease which is called Celiac!

Just an FYI: if one more Person says to me

A little gluten won’t hurt me…
Why not try exercising instead of cutting out gluten…
it’s a fad diet…
Aren’t you over being gluten free by now…
So what Can you eat…
White bread should be fine

I seriously might scream in their face. Like seriously Go Look it up! Stop speaking about something you obviously Know nothing about. Don’t speak on a disease because you heard so and so say whatever about it.

I am educated on it because I have it. I did my research. I know what I can and can’t have! Gluten is Top on the list of stay far away. If I have questions I ask a Doctor or those that have it like myself. I stay away from those that feel gluten just makes your stomach upset.

If you have been diagnosed with celiac disease. That means you had an endoscopy and they did a biopsy which came back positive for celiac disease. Not just a blood test. You can Not have any gluten, Ever!! It will damage you. Not just make you sick. I don’t know about you but my body and all it’s parts are very important to me! It keeps me healthy and Alive! So shut your Face. They don’t just make up a disease!

Celiac Disease is Real People!!

and why I am at it… Yes I am gluten free crazy! Yes I pin gluten free stuff like crazy!

Yes I read all labels so I may block something for a minute in the store… Why not say excuse me, I’ll move. Don’t ask me

why I’m reading the lables

then when I politely answer back

I can’t have gluten

say back

I didn’t know people took that diet so serious.


Yes I love that my friends tag me in gluten free things! Yes I like all gluten free things I see on Facebook! Don’t like that delete me.

I want to Live a long Healthy Life so buzzy off you Jerks and as for the rest of you that support me and have been helping me through my new health journey;

THANK YOU SO MUCH! YOU ARE IMPORTANT TO ME! YOU KEEPING ME FIGHTING and you all are probably the main reason I don’t go flip psycho on some people…


Celiac disease has over 300 symptoms and believe it or Not they all AREN’T toilet problems…


That day

On That day when all my pain is gone… All my troubles are over and my soul is at peace…

I hope those I love remember all my good points and forgive my bad points… On that day when life is over and my faith takes me… I hope my husband knows how deep my love ran for him and that finally the cabinet doors will stay closed. I hope my kids never stop laughing, learning and loving… I hope I have grandkids lots and lots of beautiful grandkids… I hope my beautiful friends don’t forget me.

On that day I hope all those that I have hurt in some way or another have forgiven me.

Oh how I hope it’s a breezy sunny Fall day… When the leaves have changed and are beginning to fall… I hope music is played and love is given… On That day when I’m gone I hope my spirit is felt and my love was enough. I hope I made enough sweet moments to pull those in pain through…

Life is a dance you love to dance but you get so tired after a while… Your feet and bones can’t keep up… But then that sweet music of life plays and through the pain you go one more time…

You don’t know when it’s gonna end but I like to think on That day my life was the most beautiful dance my love ones had ever seen…

Life asked Death: Why does everyone hate you but love me?

Death responded: Because your a Beautiful Lie and I am a Painful Truth.

Below are the lyrics to a song that describes my life in a way no other song does. I have been singing for years around our home and yes in the shower. My love for it wore off on my sweet daughter. I love it best when she sings it… it’s just perfect! She will be singing her solo of this song in school very soon, yes I am very proud:

🎶I was a little girl,
Alone in my little world
Who dreamed of a little home for me. I played pretend between the trees, and fed my houseguests bark and leaves, and laughed in my pretty bed of green.

I had a dream
That I could fly
From the highest swing.
I had a dream.

Long walks in the dark, Through woods grown behind the park,
I asked God who I’m supposed to be. The stars smiled down on me, God answered in silent reverie. I said a prayer and fell asleep.

I had a dream
That I could fly
From the highest tree.
I had a dream.

Now I’m old and feeling grey. I don’t know what’s left to say About this life I’m willing to leave. I lived it full and I lived it well, There’s many tales I’ve lived to tell.

I’m ready now,
I’m ready now,
I’m ready now…
To fly from the highest wing.

I had a dream🎶

I’ve I learned that who doesnt look for you, doesn’t miss you and who doesn’t miss you, doesn’t care of you. That destiny determines who enters your life but you decide who stays. That the truth hurts only once and I lie every time you remember it. There are three things in life that leave and never return; words, time and opportunity. Therefore value whoever values you and don’t treat anyone as a priority when they treat you as an option


Give Way

I sit and think about my back today. How it just gave out on a random day… But then I think of all it did before it gave out…

I carried two babies to full term. I rocked both of them to sleep for over a year each. I walked for hours while holding them many nights when the had colds. I changed thousands of diapers. Cleaned up spit up and throw up. I leaned over many beds to rubs their back, sing them a song or pat their butts to help them sleep on their own. I picked them up every time they reached up to me. I knelt over many bath tubs every night to get them clean. I picked them up when they fell. I dusted them off. Leaned over to whisper encouragement in their ears and gave them kisses. I climbed many stairs to get the nightmares away. I carried them up many stairs. I read them million of bed time stories. I leaned over many car seats to buckle them in. I sat on hard floors to play cars, my little pony’s, trains, little people and Polly’s. I’ve sat on my knees for hours after my baby girls heart surgery bc she couldn’t sleep without my hand on her. I slept on hard floors, horrible hospital furniture, small beds and recliners just to help my kids sleep better. I’ve walked the whole zoo while pushing them so they wouldn’t get tired. Held them up to stare at the animals as long as they wanted. Held them up to reach the monkey bars, helped them go across until they could learn how. Pushed them on thousands of swings. Caught them at the end of the slides. Pushed them round and round on a little cars until they could learn to do it. Ran beside their bikes while trying to teach them to keep balance and peddle. I sat in car pool lanes all week. Sat on hard little sits in cafeterias to eat lunch with you. Went on field trips where I was pulled in million of directions. I’ve played in the pools every summer. Taught them to swim. Played in the cold snow. Built snowmen and threw snowballs while being hit too. Chased them, jumped with them, tossed them up to catch them and played day after day with them.

I watched many other babies and kids. 15 to be exact. I treated them as my own. Rocked them, feed them and played with them too. Made them feel loved while their parents were working hard. I gave many Volunteer hours at many schools.

I spent countless hours on my hands and knees cleaning the floors. Cleaning everyone’s rooms. I’ve folded and put away mounds and mounds of clothes. I scrubbed toilets, bath tubs, dishes and sinks. I made many breakfasts, lunches and sat at the kiddy table to make them smile. I’ve walked many dogs, been dragged down stairs by those dogs. Taken many falls, on flat ground and stairs.

I’ve taken jobs that required hours of standing on hard floors. Bagged tons of items others have purchase to bring home a little check to my family. I’ve mopped huge floors, cleaned restaurant toilets, gas station toilets and hardware toilets the grossest ones ever. I’ve been assaulted by a drunk at the gas station, held at gun point and had tools thrown at my head while working in returns at the hardware store. I’ve stood for 12hrs straight with no break bc I was the only who could work. I’ve stocked tons of shelves. Washed tons of dishes that were not mine. I did all that. You gave me many moments good and bad before you finally gave way. You showed me if I want more moments I have to take care of me and It’s ok to take care of me.

It is the back of a stay at home mommy. A working mommy and wife. It gave me years to love, care and work. It needed some rest, and I didn’t listen. I put a lot on my poor little back. It held up as long as it could. It gave way just like life will if you don’t take a minute to rest and take care of yourself.

I have tons of stretch marks and scars but I’m proud of everyone of them because its all part of my journey. This is just a painful part. I’m healing everyday and getting stronger. I hear you back, loud and clear.


All about my Back Surgery

So I had my Lumbar Laminectomy on L4-5 and excision of HNP on November 20th.

What is a Lumbar Laminectomy:
A lumbar laminectomy is also known as an open decompression and typically performed to alleviate pain caused by neural impingement that can result from lumbar spinal stenosis. A condition that primarily afflicts elderly patients, spinal stenosis is caused by degenerative changes that result in enlargement of the facet joints. The enlarged joints then place pressure on the nerves, and this pressure may be effectively relieved with the laminectomy. The lumbar laminectomy is designed to remove a small portion of the bone over the nerve root and/or disc material from under the nerve root to give the nerve root more space and a better healing environment

What is HPN:   
Herniated nucleus pulposus in the lumbar spine is a type of spine degeneration that can cause lower back pain and sciatica. The intervertebral discs that normally cushion the spine are thick, spongy pads. The outer layer of these discs is a tough fibrous material, known as the annulus fibrosus, and the inner layer is a gel-like fluid called the nucleus pulposus. When a disc weakens and a tear develops in the outer wall, the nucleus pulposus can rupture into the spinal column, potentially causing pain if the material comes into contact with the spinal cord or a nerve root.

My surgery was suppose to be at 2:30pm but like most surgeries I was pushed back. Going without food or water from 12:00am on November 19 made for an uncomfortable wait. We got to know the nurses really good because I was the only patient left by then. We made the most of the wait. Slept some. Watched a lot of TV. I was very chatty, mainly because I was so nervous. We giggled and prayed.



I was finally took back to the Holding Room after 5:00pm. Then my Surgeon came in to go over what he would be doing, the nurses introduced their selves, meet the anesthesia people and off I went to OR. My surgery was only about 45 mins long. I came to with my husband Tony right by my side. Pretty groggy and not able to really speak. They decided to keep me. Got in a room around 8:00pm. Took a turn for the Yuck… Got sick, blood pressure dropped then my oxygen dropped. Started to feel some better at 12:00am November 21st.


Next day I was up and sitting!

I was Not impressed with the lack of knowledge the nursing staff and CNA staff had on Celiac Disease. They tried to give me gluten on multiple occasions.


My Gluten-free Meal

Thank Goodness my husband was there. I was so out of it I would have ate whatever they would have gave me not knowing. They felt the only thing that eating gluten would do is give me diarrhea and vomitting… Try damage to my villi and organs… We did our best to Educate them on celiac disease. Hope they took it in.


He took such great care of me.

It is now Sunday November 23rd and I am pretty darn sore but I can feel I’m on the right track. I do Not regret having this surgery at all. Best choice I’ve made for myself.


Babe keeping me company

My restrictions are:

No lifting or carrying anything weighing over a gallon. (I can barley hold my cup for too long right now)

No bending or twisting. (My back definitely lets me know what way I can move)

No standing or sitting for more than 40-60 mins at a time. (I only sit for eating right now, hurts way to bad to sit. I have to say Standing is better but I get tired really easy)

I am to walk but less than a mile and it needs to be on flat ground. I should be able to walk a mile a month after surgery. (Right now I am walk around the inside of my house like in a figure eight.)

I can’t drive for 2 weeks. On the 3rd week I can drive a short distance if my pain is gone.

I’m on the road to recovery looking forward to my future. More blogs to come.


Surgery Day

Is Finally Near!

After years of unbearable pain… After years of damage… After years of let’s wait another year. I am so very happy to say…

I am having my back surgery tomorrow! November 20th. I’m so Ready umm I think.



If you can’t tell by the picture above… Yes, I am scared, super nervous, pretty darn anxious, ready to be relieved but with all that I am super happy my surgery day is near.

I want my life back. I want to be able to play with my kids. Walk with my dog. Go places without a walking cane. Sit and watch a movie with my husband! Visit my friends! I want to be able to exercise… Tie my shoes, pick something up when I drop it! I want to stay out of the bed! Actually Make my bed up! The list goes on and on…

I will keep you all posted on my recovery! Looking forward to it.

There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed, healed and done with

As always thank you for your support. 💞Audrey

I don’t look sick

I don’t look sick but my skin feels bumpy, it itches and burns…

I don’t look sick but my legs often feel like jello and give out whenever they want to… I’ve taken more falls than I can count…

I don’t look sick but the simplest tasks take me forever to complete…

I don’t look sick but it feels like someone is punching me in my stomach… Twisting and pulling it till I throw up…

I don’t look sick but I can’t concentrate on anything so because of this my memory suffers…

I don’t look sick but I have muscle spasms, numbness, tingling and twitches from head to toe all day and night…

I don’t look sick but on the inside my bones feel like someone is taking a jackhammer to them… When the Rain comes and the cold weather is near it hurts even more..

I don’t look sick but my head aches for hours on hours it feels foggy and heavy…

I don’t look sick but most days my muscles are so weak I often can’t stand or sit… evening laying is a task…

I don’t look sick but I do feel sick. So until you can climb into my body and feel what I feel, don’t say to me

well you don’t look sick

There are people fighting battles you know nothing about. Watch your words, they could be the final crack that shatters those fighting so hard to just make it day to day…



The way I see it…

I waited…
I waited for seconds that grew into minutes that then turned to hours…

Those hours turned to days then weeks… Months turned to years… That whole time I was waiting…

Waiting for love to be spoken, waiting for understanding, acceptance… waited for your kindness to shine…

There I waited and in all that waiting I finally seen that would never be you… Your not loving, your not kind… and you never will be it’s not in your nature.

The waiting grew silent and in that silence I heard you loud and clear… I do secretly wish you knew how much you’ve hurt me and wanted to fix it but then again I think you know… and just don’t care bc in the end…

Actions Always Speak Louder Than Words… Always.